Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
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Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
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Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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