I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
