Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
