Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
