Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
