There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
