we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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