Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I met the friendliest cop last night
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
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For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
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A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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