When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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