allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I look better un-naked...
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
