you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
