I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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