Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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