It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
