From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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