You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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