Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
