i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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