I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
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I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I just had sex on a roof
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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