Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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