Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
