I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
