New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
NoShamevember. You game?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
