I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
