i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
