why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
