I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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