I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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