Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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