3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I faked an abortion last night.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
