I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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