every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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