i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
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