i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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