He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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