Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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