it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
