I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
We had to coat check the pizza.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Randomize
