Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
