Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
