My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
