my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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