I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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