My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
