I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
