i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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