i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
the raccoons are back...
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