Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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