T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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