if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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