I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
