The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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