I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
