Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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