i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
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