i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
