You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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