You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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