can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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