this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
