I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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