why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
