I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
