No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
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