Do you still have your period?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
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So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
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I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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